374. Both the decline of British industry over the last few decades and the increased regulations on the personal ownership of firearms over the last century are due to the magical government. Less people with guns means it's safer to launch random attacks on innocent people - I'd lay the industry on the magicals not having any understanding of international trade and believing that if it isn't made here, it's unavailable.
375. Hermione receives Dumbledore's massive collection of pornography rather than a story book. She is quite pleased by this.
376. Thanks to all the bad shit she'd been involved in over the years on Dumbledore's behalf, Minerva is constantly doped on illicit potions.
377. Using Snape's life debt, Harry sells him into slavery. Turns out the goblins were happy to buy after doing a bit of market research to find out how many people wanted to hex him.
378. The goblins are just a bunch of midgets in costumes. Or oompa loompas.
379. House Elves are disguised goblin spies.
380. Dobby is Draco's father. Unsurprisingly, Narcissa would much rather nail a house elf than a Malfoy.
381. Draco gets expelled for flying without permission in the first lesson.
382. Dawn Summers has the power to make portals like the portal gun.
383. Dobby gets a mohawk, a large amount of gold chains, and a vest.
"Dobby pities the fool."
384. Voldemort possesses a body sucked clean by a dementor - said body may or may not have any magic.
385. Peter keeps getting caught in rat traps, by cats, owls, etc. He also keeps surviving but with missing pieces, looks worse than moody after a few chapters.
386. Snider gets eaten by the pack.
(I remember these)
387. Rather than hyenas, the zookeeper picks tapirs. Tapirs are awesome and have large johnsons, the zookeeper was feeling a bit inadequate.
388. Xander wraps a black scarf around his head and proclaims himself to be a ninja on halloween. Gives himself a number of ever changing outlandish powers every time he's asked.
389. The gang has a priest bless donated blood, they're fairly casual about letting it get stolen.
390. By strange quirk of fate, Luna Lovegood becomes convinced that Draco Malfoy must die. A subplot involving her many attempts on his life which would have worked if they'd made even a lick of sense.
391. The Ministry suppresses all knowledge that all manner of common household items exist.
392. Sirius decides to hide in America in his Animagus form. He ends up traveling with a group of mystery solving teens in a green van.
393. A simple finite is all that's needed to remove a soul fragment from its container, also causes Volde's new body to break apart.
394. Hagrid has a hand cannon rather than a crossbow.
395. Vernon doesn't really work for a drill company, that's just what he tells his family. In reality, he's a . . .
(Porn star, short order cook, streetwalker, agent for internal revenue, guy who harasses people to buy their television license, telemarketer)
396. Harry and company break into the wrong department of the Ministry. On the plus side, the one they did break into is one that they can turn to their advantage:
Pardon for Sirius
Marriage license for Draco and Umbridge
Add a rider to the next vote to increase pay for politicians stating that:
Harry is the new minister
Fudge is thrown out
Officially proclaiming that Voldemort is a wanker
397. Exploration of Hogwarts and all sorts of crazy rooms or items. If you want your character to have a cool magical item, why not try this rather than a shopping trip? I don't mean writing a dozen pages about all the cool magical items you've thought up, this is fun for the writer, less so for the reader.
398. Harry somehow gets Hedwig appointed as his legal guardian.
399. The Dursleys take Harry and dump him off as far as they can get without going somewhere the wogs don't speak English one weekend. Harry is raised by a trio of priests on Craggy Island.
400. Draco forms a veela bond with his right hand or an animal (Chicken) if with a chicken, the chicken is the dominant one in the relationship
Addition by ubereng
Seems more like he'd form the bond with his animated, anatomically correct, "My Little Unicorn" plushy.
Addition by Jason Xavier
Have him form a soul-bond with one of Harry's socks, stolen from the house elves as they do laundry. Of course, the next time they do laundry the find the sock, clean it and return it to it's rightful owner.
401. Luna gets a pet monkey, things get wacky.
"Harry come quick," Hermione screamed.
"What is it?" Harry shouted as he leapt to his feet.
"Dobby's gotten into a knife fight with Luna's pet monkey."
"This I gotta see," Harry agreed as he rushed out of the room.
"Actually . . . uh . . . I expected you to break it up," Hermione muttered as she followed him out.
402. Animagus forms can go up the staircase to the girl's tower, the magic doesn't affect them. Sirius mentions that to Harry, maybe it's written in the front of a how to be an animagus book.
403. Dumbledore did not bring the stone to Hogwarts as bait for Voldemort, he brought it as a distraction. Dumbledore figures that Harry Potter, away from the protection of the blood wards is vulnerable to attack so he brings in something he knows the Dark Lord can't resist and places it behind a series of traps that weren't designed to prevent entry, rather to delay someone for a few months. Thus, Volde is focused on the stone and Harry Potter remains un-murdered. If the Dark Lord does get caught, bonus time.
404. The dementors that caused Harry to fall off his broom during the Gryffindor-Hufflepuff Quidditch game are later seen sporting Hufflepuff colors
"I knew it!" Ron shouted. "I bloody well knew it."
Things I'd Like To See In a Fic
By Rorschach's Blot
Some are low brow . . . okay, most are low brow
some have been written
Some should never be or never have been written
some I'm writing
Some are terrible, while others are just very very bad
some I've written
some I'll never write
but all are ideas that popped into my head that I've decided to release into the world
Feel free to post this wherever and use whatever
1. Halloween fic where Xander dresses up as Butthead and somehow manages to convince Buffy to be his Bevis. (001 was where I worked, it's tan)
2. The Power he knew not is a three wolf moon t-shirt. (Look it up, the Amazon reviews are awesome, there are youtube videos if it's no longer on amazon).
3. Vernon is a giant Magnum P.I. fan, Petunia stopped him from naming Dudley after the main character, she doesn't care enough to stop him from changing Harry's name to Magnum. The boy that gets on the Hogwarts express has; a Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses, a deep tan, and a newly grown mustache (Potions are so useful don't you know).
4. Snape that's constantly high from sniffing all those potions ingredients.
5. Albus Dumbledore, Super Pimp (He's got all the powers of Superman plus all the powers of a Pimp).
6. Rube Hardrod, Porn Star (Hagrid's summer job).
7. Instead of a Diary, Voldemort uses a copy of Naughty Witch Magazine, Ron gets it and the pages are promptly stuck together.
8. Rather than pranks, Naruto decides to get his vengeance by seducing the wives/sisters/mothers/daughters of the people that wouldn't acknowledge him. Alternately, he uses a genjutsu to make his target see it. Which brings to mind the question, would Sasuke see his mother alive or would he see a horrific scene of necrophilia?
Naruto's hands when through several familiar signs ending with an extended middle finger. "I fucked your mom no jutsu!"
9. In exchange for an interview, the Prophet prints a fake statement by Fudge in which the Minister says something along the lines of:
"And even if the dark tosser did come back, I'd make him eat my shit. Then, I'd make him shit out that shit and make him eat the shit that was comprised of my shit that he'd eaten."
Harry then sends an unsigned note to the Minister saying something along the lines of; you'd better hope I wasn't telling the truth, or you're fucked!
10. Scooby Doo/H.P. Lovecraft xover. Scooby and Shaggy are the only survivors of the original team. (Been meaning to do this forever). Mystery Inc is team number two, explains why they run away from everything that might be a threat.
11. Moody had his hair charmed or was wearing a wig or something. Bad things happen to anyone that tries to use it to mix polyjuice with it.
12. As a condition of coming back to Hogwarts one year, Harry insists that the new Defense Professor promise not to try to kill him.
13. Xander dresses as Luna for Halloween.
"Oh my, it appears that someone has given me male genitals." She reached down to give them a hands on inspection to make sure that they weren't illusory. She was still inspecting them a few minutes later when a red headed ghost appeared.
14. In the same vein, Xander dresses up as Dobby.
15. "I have no breath," Angel explained.
"Then you're useless," Xander replied, slamming a stake into the vampire's heart.
16. Naruto the arsonist. All his pranks involve setting things on fire.
17. Harry burns Quirrell to death with his hands the first time he meets him at the Leaky Cauldron.
18. Hedwig arrives at the graveyard; saves Harry, eats Voldemort, and tears off Peter's legs after Peter transforms into his rat form.
19. Harry starts possessing Voldemort and making him do random things such as teabagging wormtail and repeatedly kicking Snape in the groin.
20. Harry becomes a bush pilot in Alaska/Africa/etc. after leaving Hogwarts.
21. Darth Vader has Obi Wan listed as a wanted child molester who's M.O. is to find innocent young farm boys to take on 'quests' which end in 'sodomy.'
"These aren't the droids we're looking for," the storm-trooper agreed. "But you look familiar . . ." The storm-trooper pulled out a wanted poster.
22. The Wizarding world is a corrupt Oligarchy, three or four families take turns in the important positions. Voldemort is attempting to join the club.
23. House elves have advanced degrees; Dobby has a PHD in Chemistry, Winky has one in Physics, etc.
"Dobby read Shakespeare at Cambridge n'Dobby studied chemistry at Oxyford," the house elf replied.
24. Magical fantasy vacation package; Harry signs the Dursleys up for the zombie apocalypse, very popular. They spend the year living in a waste land being hunted by the walking dead. Year ends and they snap back into their lives as if nothing happened and no time passed.
25. Voldemort possesses Crookshanks; No one notices though Hermione thinks her cat might have gotten slightly less evil than he was before, he is a cat after all. There's also the fact that sleeping twenty three hours a day makes it much more difficult to plot.
26. Seen a few fics where students (usually Harry) off themselves by jumping off the Astronomy Tower. Doesn't make sense to me to have that in a magic school without some way of catching the little dears, then again it is Hogwarts, but bear with me. This idea is that the students find out about this and start jumping off the tower for kicks, kind of a magical version of bungee jumping.
27. James and company slap a couple enchantments on the hat to make Harry's sorting more interesting.
"Bwahahahahaha," the Sorting Hat began laughing maniacally. "Awesome House with an Awesome Harem."
or
"HEADMASTER!" The Hat shouted.
"Do you mean to say that I'm supposed to mentor him?" Dumbledore asked, looking pleased by the notion.
"I mean to say that he's the new Headmaster of Hogwarts, not get out of his seat, chump," the Hat replied.
or even
"Pimp lord!" The Hat screamed.
"What exactly does that mean?" Minerva demanded.
"All your bitches belong to him!" the Hat bellowed.
28. A master of Genjutsu is able to make every detail seem real since the smallest imperfection will alert their victim that something is wrong. Naruto (or whomever) skips all that and just focuses on making one detail of the real world seem wrong. While the high level ninja is trying to dispel things, he takes advantage of their distraction to do whatever, stab them in the nut sack or something.
29. This one's more a things I've been meaning to write. We've all seen the fics that have Naruto dressing up in disguises to become an awesome assassin/bounty hunter/etc. while still a student at the academy. I'd like to seem him dressed in; a red jacket, a black hat, knee high boots, and white pants. This along with a white wig and a fake mustache. He then goes on to be the most feared (insert here) that ever lived and thanks to his fearsome style of hand to hand combat, he earns the nickname . . . the Nutcracker. Just amused me thinking of Naruto dressed up like a nutcracker, stole the martial arts style from RobotChicken.
"They say he knows over four hundred testicle based attacks."
30. Naruto finds a scroll for a summons and learns from said summons. Was thinking of writing this using a cat summons, could make a pretty good ninja. What I'd like to see is a leopard or lion summons, could make a pretty good pimp ninja. Leopard skin, Lions have harems. Yes I've used pimps a few times in this list, fictional pimps (such as Bender) amuse me in ways that real ones do not. Hmmm, robot summons.
31. It's not the EVA that goes berserk, it's Shinji. Toji gets a nasty surprise when he tries to push the spineless wimp around. On the plus side, the doctors say he may be able to walk again after a dozen or so years of therapy.
32. Sarutobi flings poo in a fight. Don't forget what his summons is.
33. Sasuke decides that vengeance on his brother is something to work up to so he starts small. First, he avenges himself on that cat that keeps him up at night with its incessant meowing. His vengeance on the cat completed, he swears vengeance on that the dog that stole his lunch. Though, if I were to write it, I'd have the cat keep defeating him so that Sasuke becomes more obsessed with getting his vengeance on the cat than on his brother. Come to think about it, I may write this at some point.
34. Xander gets a mexican wrestler's mask on Halloween.
35. Minerva McGonagall – Quidditch Hooligan. Scotland makes it to the finals and Minerva goes insane, she takes her gang of Gryffindors to the world cup and they riot like they've never rioted before.
36. One of the trials in the Triwizard is a pissing contest. Fleur wins.
37. The magical version of Chris Hansen goes after Voldemort and the Death Eaters.
"Why don't you take a seat, right over there."
"This is all a mistake," Lucius said smoothly.
"Do you mind if I look in your bag?"
"I've got nothing to hide."
"Let's see . . . . a ball gag?"
"That's in case Potter is a biter," the magic compelled Lucius to explain.
"Bottle of whiskey?"
"For the celebratory after kidnapping drink."
"Leather restraints?"
"Can't kidnap a young boy without them."
"Box of extra small condoms?"
38. After the fall of Voldemort, a crack team of Hogwarts students was sent to Azkaban for a crime they didn't commit. They promptly escaped into the London underground. Today, still wanted by the Ministry, they make their living as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire . . . the DA Team.
Featuring Harry 'Hannibal' Potter - "I love it when a plan comes apart."
Luna 'Howling Mad' Lovegood - "But where are we going to get rubber pants our size this time of night?"
Neville 'the Face' Longbottom - "Do you want to turn us in, or would you rather have a mustache ride, Deloris?"
Hermione 'Bad Attitude' Granger - "I refuse to get into any vehicle operated by Luna."
And many more.
39. I know that there has to be a way to work in Voldemort's laundry, all I can think of is skid marks and Peter having a bad day.
40. Sirius Black – Sexual Detective
41. Jack O'Neill, April O'Neil; cousins, siblings, or something else? A Stargate/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles xover.
42. Harry uses his connection with Voldemort to convince him that Draco and Snape are planning to drug and sodomize the dark lord since they've got a dark lord fetish.
43. Vernon is a vet of the Falklands, would work this into a good Dursley story if I did it. Possibly having the man attribute his survival to a charm Lily gave him.
44. Seen a couple fics where Harry decides to become a ninja after reading Naruto. How about one where Dobby finds Naruto? Harry's loyal clan of House Elf Ninja could be good for a laugh.
45. Due to her initials, Hermione's dorm-mates nickname her 'hand job.' I suppose this could also work for Harry.
46. I've seen a few fics in which death/a god/dead relatives tell whichever character that they failed their life because they didn't marry their true love, followed by sending them back. What I'd like to see is that this is the Hogwarts Professors visiting students in the hospital wing for a bit of match making.
47. In a similar vein, I'd like to see different gods/deaths/dead relatives show up to say different things. (or the Hogwarts Professors faking it if going with the above idea)
"Death told me I needed to marry Luna. But then the goddess of love told me I needed to marry Ginny, then . . ." Neville frowned. "I'm afraid it all gets confusing after that. What about you, Harry?"
"One of them told me Hermione, one told me Ginny, one told me Luna, and one told me that I needed to marry Draco to redeem him for the greater good," Harry finished sickly.
"Same here," Ron agreed.
"One of the whatever told you that you needed to marry me?" Ginny asked.
"Yup."
"But I'm your sister," the girl protested.
"Didn't seem to matter to whatever it was," Ron replied.
"The way I see it, our choices are to join together in a deviant and potentially incestuous cluster marriage or to ignore what we heard," Luna volunteered. "I will admit that the thought of marrying Harry is more than a bit appealing to me, even if I must share with some of the other girls. The idea of sharing with Draco does not appeal to me, not even if it's to redeem the git or for the greater good."
"I think we can all agree that the greater good can go bugger itself," Hermione said firmly.
"Agreed!"
48. Insert main character here finds the Acme catalog. Deliveries of whatever you can think of in thirty seconds or less of whatever dangerous product you can imagine. Can't be less effective than Voldemort's usual methods.
49. Harry names his owl after Hedwig and the angry inch, his favorite band/singer evah. Or because he knows it will piss off the Dursley family. Probably the latter rather than the former.
50. Hermione checks herself into St. Mungo's wing for the incurably insane after she starts understanding Luna. Lucky thing Luna is volunteering that summer and is overjoyed at the chance to help the healers de-insane her friend.
51. When forcing Angel to take him to the Master's Cave, Xander accidently shoots the vamp with a soul in a very uncomfortable place. The rectum, the groin, etc.
"I said I was sorry," Xander mumbled. Man, you'd think the bastard would be used to getting shot after being around for however many years. What a baby.
Come to think on it, why not make it a running joke that Xander keeps 'accidently' shooting Angel with a crossbow bolt.
52. Sirius takes a page from the Genma Saotome school on how to live off the land, sells engagements to Harry for food and other necessities.
Featuring things like . . .
"Hello, Harry Potter," Luna greeted the boy. "I may be inexperienced, but I shall be in your care from now on. Please treat me kindly."
and . . .
The little French girl said something that caused Hermione to blush a deep red.
"What'd she say?" Harry demanded.
"She says that Sirius offered her your hand in marriage for a bowl of rice and threw in an engagement to Fleur for two pickles." And a whole lot of other things she was too proper to translate. Where in god's name had the little girl learned how to speak like a Parisian hoodlum?
not to mention . . .
"What did you want to speak with me about, mum?" Hermione asked.
"You know how we sometimes do charity work in homeless shelters?"
"Yeah, mum," Hermione prompted.
"Well, one of our patients insisted on paying us but he didn't have any money so . . ."
"I'm engaged to Harry too?" Hermione squeaked. The look on her mother's face confirmed it and the whole situation was looking a whole lot less funny now that she was part of it.
Let's see; Bowl of rice - Gabrielle, two pickles – Fleur, free dental care – Hermione, something useful and or insane – Luna, etc.
53. The vulture on Augusta Longbottom's hat is both alive and an Animagus. Who I leave up to you, but my thought was that it was her husband.
54. Xander dresses up as Choda Boy, Orgasmo's partner. Dealers choice if he's dressing up based on the movie, the porn, or the super heroes.
55. Following the previous line of thought, Xander dresses up as Orgasmo.
56. Willow dresses in normal clothes, when asked she says that she dressed up as her identical cousin Michelle. Presumably one of the items she uses came from Ethan's, a hairclip or some such.
"This one time, in band camp . . ."
That whole shyness thing is no longer a problem, Xander's gonna get lucky.
57. Kind of a reverse Halloween fic. The characters that spent the night roaming the hellmouth have the memories of their hosts. Dogbertcarroll made this a challenge, I may have stolen the idea from him and by may have I mean it's extremely likely and by extremely likely, I mean that I did. I then wrote it in answer to the challenge I stole from Dogbertcarroll, still something I'd like to see more of though.
58. Shaggy got his nickname after spending a year abroad in England.
59. Connected with the last idea, at least some of his his potentially many illegitimate children are Hogwarts age.
60. Tom Riddle was sorted into Hufflepuff.
61. The second task of the Triwizard Tourney is resolved when the competitors report the organizers to the Aurors for kidnapping.
"I don't no nuthin bout no tournament," the Auror said as he dragged the protesting Headmaster away.
"Tell it to the judge," his partner agreed.
62. Harry Potter – Super Genius. I'm pretty sure I had Luna introduce herself this way in one of my fics, if not, I'm going to have to add it. Back to this idea, Harry as Wily Coyote. Could work with a number of characters, could be a lot of fun.
63. Harry kidnaps several family members of the Judges in response to the second task.
"Wait!" Harry yelled. "I have a couple questions before we start."
"What is it, Harry?" Dumbledore asked.
"Just to be clear, you've kidnapped my best friends and chained them to the bottom of the lake where they'll die if I don't rescue them?"
"I wouldn't have put it like that," Dumbledore dithered.
"But it's accurate, right?" Harry demanded.
"It is," Dumbledore sighed.
The other champions stared at the judges table with expressions of dawning horror.
"Wonderful, if you'll do me a favor of looking at this list," Harry said, handing it over.
"Why is my brother's name at the top of it?" Dumbledore asked.
"My sister is number two and my niece number three," Maxime said.
"If we get our people back, you'll get yours back," Harry announced. "If we don't, you'll get them back a piece at a time."
"Harry, you can't mean . . ." Dumbledore trailed off.
"You took something of mine, I took something of yours," Harry interrupted. "Eye for eye, tooth for tooth."
"You can't do this!" Maxime shouted.
"Why not? You did," Harry replied. "Would you like me to prove that I'm serious? I wanted to avoid that but I guess I could give you a demonstration if you'd like. The only question is, who's hostage will it come from? My preference is Snape, but I suppose I could let you work it out among yourselves."
"No gesture will be necessary, Harry," Dumbledore said, ashen faced.
"You sure? I could have his hands off and on your desk in twenty minutes."
"I'm quite sure," Dumbledore choked.
"Wonderful, I'd like to make a couple more point before we begin." Harry smiled coldly. "You couldn't protect your loved ones and I couldn't have done this alone. I got to them once, I can do it again. Even if you get to me, you won't be able to make me talk before my confederates get to your loved ones again."
64. Naruto disappears five minutes after mastering the Henge. They know he's still in the village, they don't know who's face he's wearing.
65. Harry gets out of the tournament by changing his name.
"Harry James Potter had to participate in the tournament, I'm Harry James Evans Potter," the boy corrected.
66. Asuka was always accusing Shinji of being a pervert, what I'd like to see is Shinji Ikari – Super Pervert.
67. A simple and routine DNA test on the captured princess reveals to Vader that he has a daughter. (I'll admit that I've seen similar a few times)
68. Harry uses potions on the Dursleys after his first year. Dreamless sleep seems to be a good one.
69. As easy as it would be to put something deviant, I'm just going to say that I'd like to see less poorly done romantic subplots. If you write half a story and then decide that character x and character y wov each other suddenly and for no reason, it's lazy and poor writing. (I may or may not be guilty of this one, you may be too).
70. Sirius + Polyjuice = Snape locked in a trunk and a good year for Harry.
71. Rather than a cage, the kyuubi is tied up with some rather 'artistic' knots + a ball gag.
72. Lucius Malfoy got out of prison by taking polyjuice to look like his wife and being impregnated by the guards. Pleading his belly got him out of the death sentence and gave him enough time to bribe his way into a pardon. Could be where young Draco comes from, bit old for it but that can be written around.
73. Dobby Does Dallas
74. Harry's letter is addressed to his apartment on Sesame Street.
75. Harry deals with captured Death Eaters by sending them to a satellite and forcing them to watch bad movies.
76. Rather than be Hokage, Naruto decides to become the greatest pokemon trainer ever. To do that, he studies seals to create a ball and uses it to steal other people's summons.
"Pikachu, I choose you!"
The giant toad glared down at the little brat that had captured him and painted him yellow. "I told you, my name isn't Pikachu, it's . . ."
77. Vernon Dursley the fantasy nerd.
78. Petunia also gets an admission letter for Hogwarts.
79. Shinji gets rabid fangirls, first one is Asuka or Rei.
80. Voldemort stayed away from Hogwarts because he feared one in in more than he feared all others, but that one was not Dumbledore. I'm thinking Filch, though I suppose Sprout would also work.
81. Sasuke walks in on his parents, the trauma is enough to activate his eyes.
82. Shinji gets rabid fangirls, first one is not Asuka or Rei.
83. For whatever reason, Harry meets Hermione on the train and names her his best friend (that's the prelude, here's the mean) not having been anyone's friend, let alone best friend, before, Hermione doesn't know what to do. Luckily, she finds a book by S. Black on how to be the best best friend a guy could ask for. Unluckily (or not) she takes everything she reads to heart.
84. Harry gets Luna to whisper sweet nothings into his ear as he sleeps. This is picked up by Voldemort and it drives him insaner.
"Hmmm?" The little blond looked up. "Did you say something, Hermione?"
"I asked why you've been so tired lately," the other girl repeated.
"Oh, Harry's been having me spend the night with him lately and I haven't been getting much sleep as a consequence," Luna explained.
"What?" Hermione squawked.
"Would you like to join?" Luna continued. "I'm sure that if there were two girls, I'd have a chance to get more rest."
"What?" Hermione squeaked.
"It's just . . . don't tell Harry, but I'm not sure I'm able to continue doing this without help."
85. Naruto with a Jutte, not sure why. Alternately, more cowbell or Sakura with a Jutte, someone with a Jutte damn it. Jutte are cool
86. The Hyuuga clan compound is clothing optional. Not like it makes much of a difference.
87. The Japanese Post Office sends Gendo's note to the wrong Shinji Ikari.
88. Disco – the power he knew not.
89. The Potters dug a mine shaft down till it was past the wards. When they felt Voldemort breaking in, they jumped in their elevator and took a portkey to safe house number two which may or may not also be hidden and the keeper may or may not be Sirius. Voldemort is less than pleased and Peter's mutilated body is dumped in the alley.
90. Ron learns that Hermione and Hermaphrodite are two different things. He is no longer interested in dating her.
91. Jiraiya and Tsunade (along with their apprentices/students/no one else/misc) leave Konoha to start their own village. Sort of.
"Well screw you guys!" Jiraiya screamed.
"Yeah!" Tsunade agreed. "We're gonna start our own village, with . . . with blackjack!"
"And hookers!" Jiraiya added.
92. Old timey Batman (the one who had no problem killing people in job lots) switches places with modern Batman. Could also work with Superman, though the old time version was less about killing people in job lots and more about super punching people into brick walls and not giving a damn.
93. Hogwarts has a safety brief before the students are permitted to go into Hogsmead. Anyone who was in the military knows what I'm talking about. I foresee McGonagall explaining the dangers of having unprotected sex with tranny hookers or some such. Or I suppose we could have the DADA professor (Retired Military/Auror/Hitwizard/???) do it.
"Now we've all been there," McGonagall began. "Too horny to be picky and too drunk to care. But just because Poppy can cure most things, isn't an excuse not to be careful."
94. Tsunade and Orochimaru also write popular series' of smut novels.
95. Aniken Skywalker fakes his death to have a happily ever after with his wife. But neither of them can help meddling in galactic affairs on occasion.
96. Lockhart gets his brains obliviated out before he takes the position of Defense Instructor. Still has the job though and is convinced that he actually did everything in the books and desperately playing catch up so he can give the students the education they deserve. (I'm busy writing this one).
97. Remus Lupin – 70's era porn star. Sirius Black has never been more jealous. I foresee someone hiding out in a hotel, abandoned porno theater and making a surprise discovery. (Yes, he needs to have a 70's era pornstash no matter when the porn was produced).
98. The septic system was rerouted through the Chamber of Secrets (Which made a dandy holding tank) the last time the House Elves renovated the castle, the snake drowned shortly thereafter.
99. Harry addicts Death Eaters to something and forces them to give information, rob each other, turn traitor in some other way to get their next fix.
100. Someone comes across Tom Riddle's abandoned diary after Hogwart's first all you can eat refried beans night and the stall it was abandoned in is out of toilet paper.
101. Neville's adventures in time. Alternately: Neville's erotic adventurers in time.
102. Colin Creavy - war correspondent. Could go well with a Harry that can't adjust to a more peaceful world. Colin didn't set out to be the foremost magical combat photographer in the world, he just wanted to keep taking pictures of his hero.
103. Star Trek fic where the protagonist is a conspiracy theorist that's convinced that the Federation uses StarFleet as a way to dispose of agitators, the sort of people that have trouble with living in a utopia. Cites the lack of seat belts, surge protectors, and firewalls that do nothing to prevent everyone and their brother from taking ships as evidence for this theory.
104. The odd atmosphere on some random planet reacts with the dye in Darth Vader's suit turning it pink, or some other pastel.
105. Jabba accepts Luke's deal, trading Han for the two droids.
106. Dobby takes advantage of the fact that he sometimes works in the kitchen to get a measure of vengence against the Malfoy heir. And, while he's at it, anyone else that causes even the slightest bit of trouble for the Great Harry Potter Sir!!!!
107. Snape, Dumbledore, Voldemort, etc. Try to read Luna Lovegood's mind, that was a mistake on their part. Could have Harry using the girl for secure memory storage. Put whatever you don't want mind reader's to know in the girl's skull and trust that no one would dare try to pry it out.
108. Draco catches Neville with his mother (and possibly one of his Aunts).
"Oh, hi, Draco, gimme a sec," Neville said absently. He was naked and standing before Draco's equally naked mother who was kneeling on the floor. "Pow, right in the kisser!"
109. Lucius Malfoy (or something else) prevents Percy from being employed by the Ministry.
110. Someone finally notices the fact that, other than the seeker, most of the players in Quidditch are kind of useless. Alternately, the team just sits in front of the goal posts and blocks the other team from scoring. Or we could have two chasers and a keeper blocking the goals while the two beaters protect the seeker or go after the opposing seeker.
111. Ranma finally learns his father's martial arts style of dodging problems and shoving them off onto a patsy. Life becomes much better for the boy and much more difficult for his chosen patsy shortly thereafter.
112. Sasuke the douschy hipster.
"I'm wearing this scarf to show solidarity with the people of Lizard country, you've probably never heard of it or their struggle."
I may have spent too much time in Portland, I'm not afraid to admit that.
113. Hermione Granger – Space Ranger. Must admit that something similar is slated to show up in one of my ongoing fics.
114. Harry attempts to use the Sword of Gryffindor to transform into He-Man, summon Thundercats, etc.
115. The next defense professor is none other than Australia's greatest outback legend, Russell Coight. Or better yet, some wizard based on the character. Watch the TV series if you can, read Wikipedia if you can't.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acCSewvQH0k
116. Shortly after receiving his pardon, Lucius decides that discretion is the better part of valor and self deports before any angry mobs have a chance to form.
117. Nodoka switches Ranma's engagement from Akane to Ranko Tendo. One would assume she's not yet aware of the curse, but I suppose it could also work if she was.
118. Sirius Black was too drunk to notice the Potter wards going down. The party thrown to celebrate the fall of Voldemort resulted in several rounds of free drinks and prevented him from finding out or going after Peter or checking on Harry for nearly two weeks.
119. Harry is able to use his position as head of House Black to screw Malfoy into a horrible marriage contract. Why not? It's usually Harry getting fucked over, why not reverse things?
Harry smirked as Umbridge walked up the isle to join her groom. On the minus side, it made the bitch happy to marry the scion of a pureblood house. On the plus, it made Malfoy very very unhappy to marry the toad like Undersecretary. On the whole, he decided as the ceremony started, that look on Malfoy's face made it all worth it.
120. The students find and reopen the Hogwarts brewery. Yes, the castle would have had one.
121. Remus Lupin is part of that Lupin family. Look of Arsine Lupin. (Though I must admit that I have a nagging suspicion that I've seen this one before).
122. Something angers Hermione to an extreme degree and she reads the Hogwarts rule book. This is of course used by the author as an excuse to pull out the most bizarre rules they can find or think of.
"Fifteen points and five galleons for not wearing a wool hat, Mr. Malfoy," Hermione said sharply.
This example was pulled from an actual law, really. Admittedly, I could have found a more bizarre example, but alas, laziness set in.
123. The next DADA instructor is a master of siege engineering. I'd admit that I added this one because of how fun it would be to write the students flinging sheep (or each other) over the walls with a trebuchet.
124. Some unnamed person (Thinking Luna, she's my go to for this sort of thing) mods the Hogwarts Wards that were originally placed to censor student language and have gone unused for the past hundred or so years. For example:
"Your mother is fucking hot." Would change to "Your mother I just lost fifteen points for my house and will report to the Head's office for thirty strokes with a lash hot."
The mods can be anything, from changing Malfoy or Draco to idiot and moron to subtracting points.
125. The connection Harry has with Voldemort has limited bandwidth and he is able to prevent anything coming in by sending as much out as possible. I'm thinking curses and hexes, but it could also be bad twilight fanfiction. Hell, he could figure out a way to have his scar pick up and retransmit radio signals.
126. Snape pulls a Michael Jackson, his hair catches on fire.
127. Something I've been managing to put in is that Luna Lovegood speaks every language, just doesn't realize they're different languages.
"Admittedly, there are regional variations in both grammar and vocabulary, but that doesn't mean that they're entirely separate languages, Hermione," the little blonde said confidently.
128. Harry manages to get Hedwig named as his legal guardian.
129. Harry gets contacts/lasic and re-attends Hogwarts. No one recognizes him and he finally gets the anonymity he craves. Alternately, a couple muggleborn know who he is and can't understand how a lack of glasses makes him unrecognizable.
130. Dumbledore has a vat full of spare Harry Potters. Every time one of them is killed, he pulls out a replacement.
131. Amelia Bones sees 21 Jump Street and thinks that it's both a documentary and a wonderful idea. Assigns a group of Aurors to infiltrate Hogwarts to ferret out crimes. Now this could be played straight, Tonks using her skills as a metamorph, but where would be the fun in that? I foresee Moody in a completely unconvincing disguise, that as in #129 fools the majority of the pureblood population. This is why your sister is off limits.
132. In a moment of weakness, Harry agrees to bond with Dobby. Dobby asks innocently if Harry Potter sir will also bond his friends. Harry, thinking Winky and maybe one or two others agrees. He was wildly wrong and things go wildly out of control.
"Does Harry Potter sir wish for Zippy to wipe for him?" the little elf asked eagerly.
"No!" Harry replied quickly. "And I told you guys to leave me alone when I'm in the bathroom."
133. To go with the above, purebloods use house elves for everything. Yes, everything.
"Dobby, wank me and impregnate Narcissa with my manly juices!" Lucius ordered.
"I have to chew my own food?" Draco asked in horror. He'd been told the seven years at Hogwarts would be the most difficult of his life, he was beginning to believe it.
134. Dobby sees some old gangster movies, Harry now has at least one hose elf goon. Fairly sure I've seen something similar to this at some point.
135. First year students occasionally get lost in the halls of Hogwarts, sometimes very lost, but they're usually found within a year or five.
136. Dobby is Lucius' brother, transfigured into a house elf to make it easier to inherit everything. Could be where all house elves come from.
137. Sirius gives Harry a list of girls he should avoid as they may be his half sisters.
"Well, your da always was a bit of a ladies man and your mum was a fair hand a transfiguration even if it was charms she mainly specialized in," his godfather explained.
"My mum was . . ." Harry trailed off.
"Best not think about it too much," Sirius advised. "Let's just say they had a contest going and leave it at that."
138. Snape teaches sex education at Hogwarts and goes into way more detail than is strictly nessesary.
"Today we're going to learn about one of my favorites," Snape said with a grin. "It's called the Filthy Sanchez."
139. Snape was born a few months earlier and as a consequence, is in the year ahead of James Potter.
140. Rather than Crouch Jr., Bellatrix takes Moody's place. Just an excuse to have the DADA professor be completely batshit insane and to have an excuse for Harry Potter tearing Peter apart with several horrifically dark spells when he gets to the graveyard. Seems ol' Bella was a bit too competent.
141. In the third stage of Chunin exam, if you leave the ring, you lose. Naruto sends in a clone, he never entered so he can't lose.
142. Figuring that it will really piss off his brother, Sasuke drops out of the ninja academy to live a normal life.
143. Hedwig is the new DADA Professor as she was the only one that applied. Or, Harry applied for her as a joke and was stunned when she got the job. She turns out to be one of the better instructors even if Harry's the only one that can understand her. Although, he final exam where you're dropped into the arctic tundra with nothing but your wand and forced to eat lemmings for three weeks while you hike to the nearest village is considered a bit much by some of the students.
144. A fic with the other two members of the Fourth Hokage's genin team. The team he was a genin on, not the team he taught.
145. One of the male students dies and becomes a ghost. He begins haunting the Great Hall, Myrtle joins him, and let's just say they don't need to find a new name for the much happier Myrtle.
"It's your fault I died!" Harry's ghost bellowed down at Dumbledore. "Your fault I . . ." a grin appeared on the ghost's face. "Okay, that's enough recovery, ready for round sixteen?"
Dumbledore sighed, ever since Harry had died he hadn't gotten a moment's peace. The ghost wasn't so bad, only really bothered him during meals and he could always eat in his office to avoid it. No, rather it was . . .
"Harder!" Myrtle screamed. "Oh yes!"
All the howlers he got from angry parents. You'd think they'd be happy the school had started a comprehensive course on practical sex education, but the reaction he'd gotten the one time he'd pointed that out had been anything but.
147. With the above, bonus points if the other boys are jealous they didn't think of dying first.
148. Naruto screams that it isn't his fault that his father sealed the Kyubi into their precious Uchiha and that they can all go fuck themselves then storms off. Several clones disguised as Anbu arrive and tell everyone to keep their mouths shut.
"To hell with all of you!" Naruto screamed. "It's not my fault my father sealed the Kyuubi into your precious Sasuke! You can all just burn in hell!"
The shocked villagers stared in shock at the departing boy.
"His father?" one of them muttered dumbly.
"Sasuke?" another voiced.
Further musings were cut short by the appearance of a team of Anbu.
"It is my duty to inform you that the village can not confirm or deny the assertions made by Uzumaki," the clone disguised as an Anbu said firmly. "And to further state that what you just heard was an S-ranked secret."
"Or it would be if we were permitted to confirm it," another clone continued. "Which we are not permitted to confirm, so we are not able to order you not to repeat it."
"But we would if we could."
The fake Anbu disappeared, leading a very confused group of villagers.
Okay, I'll admit that I'm planning to use the above scene at some point but I had to add it to this list as the implications are amusing as hell.
149. Scooby Snacks contain large amounts of LSD, which neatly explains why such obvious fakes inspire such great amounts of terror.
150. The Joker decides to become a hero and is of course horrifically bad at it. Or, even more horrifically good at it, cleaning up Gotham without a dead criminal and is then hailed as its greatest champion, much better than that other guy . . . the one with the flying rat fetish, what was his name again?
151. Zelretch takes an intrest in Harry. See this as being rather indirect as interacting with the boy would ruin some of his entertainment value. Edit; found this on ff.net, it's in my C2 somewhere.
152. Purebloods are right, sort of, magic is in blood, plasma to be specific. You can drain a person's blood, separate out the plasma, and take away their magic. You can then give it to someone else or use it to increase your own stores of the stuff. I'd assume this isn't permanent, but I suppose it could be if the story called for it.
153. There's a little known rule at Hogwarts that states if you kill the Defense Professor in single combat, you take his place. Professor Harry Potter in year two? Does he hire a subcontractor or do the job himself. If he does do the job himself, he can't be worse than some of the Professors in the books.
154. Someone points out the fact that, at least in theory, the house cup goes to the biggest group of rule followers. Traitors to studentkind. Prefects are the first to catch on and start giving out points as punishments.
"Ten points to Ravenclaw, Mr. Smith, for using magic in the halls."
Causing things to flip back and fourth several times.
155. Several students twig to the fact that a trunk with a bedroom is the perfect place to have an encounter with the sex of their choice that's unlikely to be interrupted. (155 is Blue, so you know)
156. As a cost cutting measure, several Professors at Hogwarts are replaced by ghosts and possibly house elves. In the case of the House Elves, they're still better than Snape.
157. Harry refuses the offer to join the Quidditch team in first year, McGonagall decides to make his life difficult until he agrees. Refer to the movie 'From Here to Eternity.'
158. Seen a lot of fics where Harry gets a fountain pen, often this is used as an excuse for Snape or one of the other professors to get bitchy. I'd like to see one with a glass pen, as it's not obviously of muggle origin, I'd assume this would remove the cliche bitchy professor scene. Going to attribute this idea to Ed Becerra since I'm fairly sure I stole it from him.
159. Harry has another student impersonate him with polyjuice at the end of the term and hides out at Hogwarts during the summer. As far as Dumbledore is concerned, Harry got onto the train and disappeared.
160. The students circulate a list of the three most useless Professors, McGonagall is not amused to learn that she's number one.
3. Our ghostly history 'teacher.' Who hasn't answered a question for over a hundred years.
2. Our Potions 'Professor.' For actively sabotaging every House in Hogwarts that doesn't start with the letter S.
1. Hogwarts' Transfiguration Mistress, Head of Gryffindor, and Deputy Headmistress. Who came in first place by a wide margin for being useless at all three of her positions.
We admit that there has been some controversy regarding this, several students have come forward to state that she's actually quite good at teaching Transfiguration and that her duties as Deputy Headmistress are sufficiently mysterious that we can not judge. These same students state that Snape should take the number one spot, reducing our beloved Transfiguration Instructor to number two. We concede to the first but refuse the second as we rank Snape number one in which Head of House is the most useful. And he is, if you're in Slytherin as his bias towards his house is nothing short of legendary. We also point out the numerous attempts on our most famous student's life and while we do not know that making some token amount of effort to protect the students is part of the Deputy Headmistress's duties, we believe it damn well should be.
161. Harry begins looking for new schools to transfer to, his list of questions for his perspective headmasters is somewhat troubling.
What precautions do you have to prevent murder attempts by disembodied (or reembodied) dark lords and/or their followers?
Can you guarantee that the Defense Professor won't try to kill/injure/obliviate/or otherwise cause me harm?
Please list any plans or plots you have that could endanger me during the school year?
If a troll entered the castle, would you: A-order all students out into the halls where they may or may not get attacked or B-take a head count to see if any students are missing and keep the ones that aren't in a secure central location while you search for the student and the troll.
An old acquaintance asks you (or you somehow acquire) a legendary artifact being sought by a number of extremely dangerous individuals. Do you: A-try to hide it in the school behind a series of traps so simple a group of first year students could overcome them or B-have it stored somewhere far away from school children. If A, explain:
Please describe the circumstances under which you would kidnap an orphan and place him or her in an abusive home.
What are your thoughts on the so called 'Greater Good?'
Are there any former terrorists employed as members of your staff?
162. Shaggy and Scooby get guns, the mysteries are solved much faster. I'll admit, I put and Scooby because the mental image of the dog on three legs firing a pistol made me chuckle as did the thought of him on two legs racking the slide of a pump action shotgun. Just pulled an all nighter meaning I'm very easily amused.
163. In an effort to avoid responsibility and fame, Harry Potter goes overseas to teach English after Hogwarts or some undefined post Hogwarts education. I did it, JK did it (though in her case, it was more a case of going over channel), a number of other authors have done it. Could be fun or a train wreck, course that describes most stories. Come to think of it, that can also describe going over seas to teach English.
164. By third year, Harry's so paranoid that even Moody thinks he's taking it a bit too far.
165. Quidditch, rather than gain points, catching the snitch looses a set number of points. Would make the game a lot more interesting. Might add that it could be an automatic zero at some set number of points, 23 points means it's a zero for the snitch or something. (165 was a tannish color, flew a US flag)
166. Something happens that takes Dumbledore out of the picture, either for a time or forever. This gives Fudge or some other Minister time to paw through the great man's notes, they find evidence that Voldemort is not dead and about Dumbledore theory that love is the weapon that will destroy the dark lord. This in turn causes them to conclude that the boy-who-lived needs a harem. Engagements to Harry Potter are easy to get for your daughter, compulsorily in some cases such as those involving ex-death eaters or caught trespassing. By the time Harry gets to Hogwarts, nearly every unattached magical female is engaged to him. He's not happy about this, the rest of the boys aren't happy about this, the purebloods aren't happy that they're forced to search for mates in other countries and the muggle world.
Okay, this one isn't so much something I'd like to see as an idea that popped into my head that's got no chance of being written by me.
167. Harry keeps accidently killing Voldemort and not noticing. Voldemort possesses a cockroach and Harry steps on it, Voldemort charges Harry who bends down to pick up a coin causing Voldemort's flying tackle to turn into a dive out a fifth floor window.
168. Norville "Shaggy" Rogers is related in some way to Mister "lives in a beautiful neighborhood" Rogers.
169. Harry manages to attend Rusty's summer camp for boy adventures hoping to pick up a few tips on how to survive being number one on a genocidal madman's hit list.
170. Some plot hole means that Sirius Black is found to be innocent within a year or two of incarceration.
171. A new warden takes over Azkaban and decides to make it so the prisoners can never go back to their evil ways, no matter what. To do this, he gets rid of the dementors, puts a comfy chair/couch/bed in every cell along with a TV that has every channel known to man. To top this off, unlimited ultra high fat food is provided on demand. When Voldemort arrives to break out his followers, Bellatrix weighs five hundred pounds, hasn't left her bed in years, won't fit through the door, and refuses to leave anyway because it would mean she had to stop watching television.
172. Snape is convinced that Hedwig is trying to kill him.
173. Panama Sprout – Pomona Sprout's wold traveling adventurer relative.
174. The Triwizard is held at Beauxbatons. This doesn't necessarily prevent Harry's name from coming out of the cup, it does make it more difficult to accuse him of sneaking his name in. Those who insist on blaming him come up with long complex conspiracy theories of the type that even the staff of the Quibbler find a bit implausible.
175. Due to an accident that puts Draco out of commission for an indeterminate amount of time, Lucius is forced to find a new spy in the student body and who better than his niece Luna? Sure she's a bit scatterbrained, but she's a relative, she's a pureblood, and she's showing more dedication spying on Harry Potter than Draco ever did. Granted, most of her observations were a bit . . . smutty, but the girl definitely had her heart in the right place and you had to make allowances for anyone with the last name Lovegood anyway.
176. The girls from the Ghoul School start the Shaggy fan club and are happy at the rather large number of membership applications. The rest of the gang finds out that Shaggy has a fan club and that no mention is made of any of them, save Scooby. Okay, I'll admit this was fairly weak, wanted to throw in something with the Ghoul School and nothing else came to mind. Guess I should have just said, the Ghoul School and left it at that.
177. Naruto is trying to create a self wielding sword with seals. He fails miserably, something about the seals melt the sword into a short round cylinder that buzzes, spins, and moves forward and back.
Anko wiped the drool off her chin when she saw what the Kyubi brat had produced. "I'll take ten, right now!"
178. Immunity from the blood protection wasn't the only thing Voldemort got from Harry's blood, he also got Harry's luck. Another Dark Lord appears and Voldemort finds it's much more difficult to plot against Harry when he has to constantly dodge inept attempts on his life.
179. Harry's eyes narrowed as the Potions Master heckled him. Time to show the pathetic bastard a thing or two and if that didn't shut the pathetic dick down, there was always murder.
"What do you need, Harry?" Lavender asked.
"I need you and the Patils to spread two rumors, I'll let you decide how."
"What rumors?" the Patil currently wearing Ravenclaw colors asked.
"The first is that if you manage to poison the Potions Professor, you get an automatic pass and they get fired."
"Okay," the Patil in Gryffindor colors agreed. "The second?"
"That at my request, Neville is busy brewing a broad spectrum easily detected antidote."
180. Voldemort assigns code names to all of his Death Eaters. Code names such as; Trouser Snake, Crevice Snake, Purple Snake, girthy snake, snake shaft, shaved snake, snake swallower, tiny snake. Sense a theme? Not to be outdone, Dumbledore begins assigning code names to order members.
"Alistair you will be-"
"Already have a nickname," Moody interrupted, not wanting to be tagged with something like what Dumbledore had already assigned to the others.
181. The Malfoy fortune is built on the sale of 'Boy-Who-Lived' merchandise. Could also add in that Lucius' plot in second year was designed to bring Harry back into the spotlight to boost sales.
182. Lucius spent most of the Malfoy fortune to keep himself out of prison. Could work well with #181.
183. Ron betrays Harry, sort of. See below:
"Sorry, Harry," Ron said. "But Percy's family, just couldn't chose him over you."
"I'm sorry too, mate," Harry said solemnly. "Especially about the fact that I knew you were gonna betray me so I prepared for it."
"I knew you knew, mate, your plan to counteract my plan isn't gonna work."
"I knew you knew I knew," Harry countered. "And while your plan to counter my first plan is a thing of beauty, I think you'll find that my plan to counter the plan you planned to counter my first plan is not something you can cope with."
"Hate to break it to you, mate," Ron sighed. "But I knew you knew that I knew so-"
"Oh, just get on with it!" Percy demanded.
"Hey, this is an emotional moment for us," Ron replied hotly.
"Yeah," Harry agreed. "I'm dealing with the betrayal of one of my closest friends and he's dealing with the fact that he's betraying one of his closest friends."
"Yeah!" Ron agreed. "Have a heart you wanker."
"You tell him, Ron."
"I have half a mind to shag your girl for that, Percy," Ron told his brother. "Serve you right you insensitive git."
"You know what they say, give her two pounds and you're into a Penny."
"Penny perfect tits, the Hogwarts bicycle," Ron agreed. "Everyone's had a ride on her."
"Why . . . I . . . you . . ." Percy's complexion matched his hair and a trickle of rage foam trickled out the corner of his mouth.
"Say, Harry," Ron began, hoping to push his brother over the edge.
"Yeah, mate?"
"Can I borrow two pounds?"
"Why don't we make it four and we'll do her together?"
"We're gonna have to continue this in an hour or two, Percy," Ron said with a grin. "Places to be, your girlfriend to do."
"It'd only be thirty seconds if it was just Ron," Harry whispered.
"ARRRGGGG!" Percy snapped and tried to throttle both boys at once.
"Was it something we said?" Ron laughed, dodging out of the way.
"All that anger can't be healthy," Harry agreed, batting the hand aside. "How bout I lend you three pounds and Penny'll give you the works?"
Later . . .
"That was fun," Ron remarked.
"Sure was, mate," Harry agreed. "Which ministry official do you reckon you should betray me to next?"
"I still don't see why we can't take turns," Ron whined. "Why do I always have to be the traitorous git?"
"Because Hermione would be arrested on sight . . . uh, and I can't really see her playing along with something like the whole 'your girl's a slag' bit we did with Percy."
"Be bloody hilarious if she did," Ron interjected.
"Agreed, but she won't," Harry agreed. "Second reason is because the reward for my capture or death is ten times higher than yours."
"Not bloody fair it's not," Ron growled. "You always get everything!"
"Save it for the next sucker."
"Say, Harry?"
"Yeah, Ron?"
"You think if we do this enough times, they'll make the reward for my death or capture higher than yours?"
"We can only hope, Ron."
184. A Scooby Doo Rambo crossover.
"He's in the woods, sheriff," the general said with a grin. "It's his home, the place he's most comfortable. Sending men after him will just get them killed."
"What do you suggest I do then, general?" the sheriff sneered. "Just sit around because no one can find your wonderboy?"
"I didn't say no one, there's one man that could. Best scout dog handler the Army ever produced. Tell your men to be more polite to this one when he shows up, Rambo alone is a problem. Rambo and Shaggy? You might as well cut your own throat."
. . .
"They sent you after me, Shaggy?"
"Like, the general asked me to find you, I did." He dropped his pack. "He didn't ask me to do anything else."
"So what are you gonna do?"
"Sandwich?" Shaggy asked, handing over a wax paper wrapped package. "Cold beer too, I put it in a stream two miles from here for an hour before I came up the hill."
Rather bad scene, I know. Been trying to write this for the last few days, just can't seem to get them to flow together so I tossed this obscenity together to mark the place of something good that may never exist.
185. Dobby, the god emperor of mankind.
186. Someone introduces Professor Vector to the slide rule and/or the Curta Calculator, she has a new love in her life. Yes, I know early forms of the slide rule have existed since the 1600s. (186-Guardians of the Western Gate)
187. Sirius Black maintains that McGonagall is the hottest of the Professors.
188. Harry decides to use the Basilisk to his own benefit. The head, he has stuffed and mounted above his bed (causing one of the other boys in his dorm many a sleepless night), the skin he has made in to curtains or something, the bones get turned into a number of things including the handle for his new toothbrush, etc.
189. Shaggy is Hogwarts' newest Defense Professor. His qualifications are better than the majority of the Professors that showed up in the books. One presumes he can do at least some magic for this one. Another thing I've been meaning to write.
190. It's a bad idea to feed house elves after midnight. That and several other gems of advice are dispensed when you get one.
191. A competent, but insane, Defense Professor. That or a man that wants revenge on Death Eaters and their spawn, that could also work for the following scene.
"Alright, what should I teach you lot first?" the man mused.
"How about what to do if someone is about to hex you?" one of the students replied.
"Right,"
